I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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