Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
