ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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