Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
