She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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