I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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