Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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