Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
