Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
