my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
