I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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