I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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