i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
