seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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