There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
