who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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