I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hippo gnu deer
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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