I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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