I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
