The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
