Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
