I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Don't EVER smell your tampon
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
BRING THE BAGELS
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
