you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
