Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
