If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
