I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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