TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The air was thick with penises
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
