Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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