apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
