Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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