fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
