yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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