final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
