dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
