After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
