Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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