I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
