When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
