there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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