Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
