ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
