I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
