this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I believe in your delicious
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
