I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
