and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Randomize
