Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
