What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
