can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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