Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
