watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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