what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
